Dementia /Alzheimers Song for my Dad

MY FATHER PASSED AWAY, the Reverend Dr. Albert Dalman, on December 4th, 2006 at 9:25 PM. After 10+ years of struggling with Dementia (Alzheimer's) and finally Parkinson's Disease, he finally succumbed days after a final stoke at age 81. I'd like to tell you a little about my experiences and share a song I wrote that was played at his memorial yesterday, December 12th, 2006.

I WAS PRIVILEGED to spend my Sunday mornings with Dad at Deltaview Habilitation Centre in Delta, BC, and other care homes for over the past 5 years. He was much loved by the staff at Deltaview and they treated him with great care and love. I took "church" to Dad in his room every Sunday morning that I could. But it wasn't a religious time... more a father/daughter time of remembering our lives together (mostly in the past), bringing him Starbucks Lattes & Wunderbars, teaching him new memories and how to kiss me goodbye, and sharing mutual hugs and tears.

UP UNTIL A FEW MONTHS AGO he'd always greeted me with a broad smile and said in his weak crackling voice a tender "Hello Sweetheart". He'd chuckle that deep familiar rumbling sound when I tried to entertain him with stories from childhood. Then he'd beam up at me for the rest of our visit. I was so glad that I figured out with repetition I could teach him new ways to communicate and he loved to kiss my cheek. He'd lean into me some days out of the blue to kiss me goodbye. I was surprised one day when he lifted his hand and cradled my face. He did it twice and I knew it was no accident. And even though we'd laugh there was sometimes a little tear in his right eye. I believed he always heard me and knew who I was and I'd try to comfort him by expressing his pain. I'd say things to him like "Dad you've had small stokes and you can't speak but I can see in your eyes you love me. Or other times I'd say "I see your tear and imagine how hurtful and frustrating it must be for you to feel so trapped in your body and not be able to speak". I always wore the same Celine Dion cologne so even if he couldn't see me he'd know my smell as he was resting.

HIS LIFE WAS ABOUT TO END soon as the past 6 months had brought a couple of close calls with seizures. He'd bravely fight back and surprise us all. But these times were coming more frequently. The days before his death a final stroke paralyzed the complete right side of his body and also his throat. This was when I knew he had only a few days left as he could barely drink and not eat. I was still a shock after so many years of "anticipatory grief" to realize this may be his time to finally go.

ON HIS FINAL DAY I'd been with him that morning and was able to say simple last words of love and cry with him. I just laid on him with my arms folded around his neck speaking into his ear and sitting in the hollow next to him on his bed. Suddenly I felt a pressure on my back. I thought it was my Mom leaning into me. I looked and he'd raised his good leg and was pushing very firmly into my back to hug me. He then looked deeply into my eyes for the last time. What a last gift of communication it was. I went to kiss him goodbye on his left cheek that would still have feeling. I didn't know it would be our final kiss goodbye. I asked him for a kiss and I could hear him trying to get the spit in his mouth to work but he just couldn't move. I told him I heard his spit and thanked him for his kiss.

THAT NIGHT THE NURSE CALLED US they'd told Dad we were coming. He'd totally taken a turn for the worst and it was his last minutes... but he'd held on to see us. My Mom was totally overcome with grief and shock. Ben held my Dad's shoulder to comfort him "man to man" and I put my hand behind his neck and cradled him and held his hand and stroked his forehead. He was so cold. We all told him we loved him. I then said "you've fought the good fight and it's now time for you to go home to Jesus". He finally breathed his last breathes and was gone. He'd held on to see us and we knew he knew us all to the end.

One last tribute to Dad was that he donated his brain to Alzheimer's Research at UBC in Vancouver, BC. He wanted his children to be helped in anyway he could by his donation to research.

ON EASTER SUNDAY 2005 I started to write a song about his dementia and our visits together. And when he died on December 4th I was able to painfully finish the last verse in a few days with the help of my wonderfully supportive husband, Ben. Ben then produced am intimate version for me to be played at his memorial service. That was the toughest song I've ever sung.

MP3	You Knew Me To The End - Click on MP3

You Knew Me to the End Free MP3

YOU'RE TIRED AND CONFUSED TODAY
YOU SEE THE MOMENT THROUGH A HAZE
YOU BRAVELY SIT IN SHADOWS AS YOU LIVE YOUR FINAL DAYS
AND I JUST WATCH YOU HELPLESSLY AS YOU DRIFT AWAY

WHERE IS THE PASSION, THE HERO
THE STRONG MAN WHO HELD MY HAND?
MY COUNSELOR, MY FATHER AND FRIEND
WHAT WILL I DO IF THE DAY COMES
THAT YOU MAY FORGET MY FACE
ANOTHER STEP CLOSER TO THE END

I GAZE INTO YOUR SHINING EYES
YOU HAVEN'T SPOKEN IN A WHILE
BUT I BELIEVE THAT EVEN THOUGH YOUR WORDS ARE LOCKED AWAY
I SEE YOUR LITTLE TEAR AND IT SAYS MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY

IT SAYS I'M STILL HERE, I LOVE YOU
AND IF I COULD I'D HOLD YOUR HAND
MY COMFORT, MY DAUGHTER AND FRIEND
AND IF THE DAY COMES THAT I DON'T
REMEMBER AND KNOW YOUR FACE
YOU'LL BE IN MY HEART UNTIL THE END

AND WHEN OUR VISIT'S OVER AND IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE
I PUT MY CHEEK SO CLOSE TO YOURS AND HEAR YOU SOFTLY SIGH

YES YOU WERE STILL HERE, YOU LOVED ME
AND IF YOU COULD YOU'D HOLD MY HAND
MY FATHER MY HERO AND FRIEND
THE FINAL GIFT THAT YOU GAVE ME
I'LL ALWAYS TREASURE IN MY HEART
WAS KNOWING YOU KNEW ME TO THE END
WAS KNOWING YOU KNEW ME TO THE END

Words and music by Geri Karlstrom. Copyright © 2006 Ger's Music. All Rights Reserved.